Ready to talk about it...

(written August 28, 2013 but may not publish for awhile)

Miscarriage.  It's a word that I have heard much too often in my circle of friends.  It's very rare to get a group of mommy friends together and not have someone who has experienced this terrible loss at least one time during their life.  Some have happened very early on; others have happened quite a bit further into their pregnancy.  In any situation, there is a loss there that no one can understand until they go through it.

So many of my friends have experienced this loss and all I have been able to do is be there to listen. To be a shoulder to cry on, to lend a listening ear, to bring a meal when they just didn't have the strength to cook that night.  And while I've tried my hardest to be a good friend during these times, the sympathy that I have felt for these friends could never quite do their feelings justice. I was never able to clearly understand what they were going through...until now.

You see, we lost our own little one last week.  We had a regular scheduled appointment with our doctor a few weeks ago.  Going into that appointment I have to admit that something just didn't feel right.  I don't mean that I didn't feel pregnant or anything (I had all the wonderful mommy-to-be symptoms just fine!) but my woman's intuition was just telling me to be prepared for something beyond my control and I had never had that with my boys.  I was not even shocked when the ultrasound tech could not find the heartbeat...sad, but not surprised.

I was well educated on how many pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was well aware that we were fortunate to have had two healthy pregnancies and births already.  The odds were not necessarily in our favor.  But I was also aware (and hopeful) of how perfectly this new baby was going to fit into our family.  He/She was due in early March, well before Matt's busy season was to start.  We had been hopeful for several months before that to get pregnant and this was kind of our last attempt for awhile as "busy season" is NOT a good time to have a baby.  My best friend here in Iowa had also just had a baby a few months before and we were thrilled that our third babies would be just as close as our two sets of older boys were!  The timing was PERFECT!!!

That is, MY timing seemed perfect.  My earthly, planning-is-my-middle-name, need a timeline and schedule-hungry personality thought this timing was perfect.  God had other plans.  He looked at what we thought to be perfect for us and reminded us that He always knows better.  What is crazy to think is that He knows not only if we will have another baby someday, but He knows exactly when, where, and why that baby will be perfect for our family.  He also already knows how many breaths that baby will take here on earth, what he/she will do with their life and who they will marry.

And while this has still been very hard to accept emotionally, I know He will help us through it.  How do I know this? He spoke to me the morning I knew we would lose our baby.  I have been reading Jesus Calling on a (pretty) regular basis and the entry the morning of August 23 started like this:
 

"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care.  They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands."

 

How could I not hear the voice of God through that?  He was letting me know that it was okay to grieve but also okay to let go because our baby was in His safe hands.  Hands that will love him/her just as much, if not more than their earthly parents.

So while I know I have friends that have gone through the same loss as this and have felt the sadness that I am feeling now, I can only pray that they feel the loving arms of God around them as well and know that our babies are well-taken care of by the most loving Father that we have ever known!



Easter and getting older...

Being a parent is sometimes hard.  Like when you have to tell you crying two-year old that his older brother gets ice cream but he does not because he did not eat enough supper.  Or when you have to make the decision to stay home instead of going to a much-needed playdate because of a runny nose and a little one who really just needs to cuddle with Mommy.

And while there are many more things that make this journey of parenthood a tough one, there is nothing more important than knowing you are molding and shaping your child to be someone who makes you proud. 

 A few weeks ago it was Easter and while the past years it has been mostly about finding eggs at the egg hunt, this year I really feel like Ben started to understand the story of Jesus dying on the cross for us and how this means our sins were forgiven.  What a joy to see his young mind think about how God has forgiven us for everything...before we even do it!  It has definitely made us think twice about forgiving our little brother for silly things like taking a car out of our hands or running into us with a tricycle!  What a blessing in our lives that we have the opportunity to hear the story of Jesus in the small town where our church is and then have a safe place to celebrate this day.
Now enjoy some pictures from the weekend:

Such handsome boys

The race begins

Found a well-hidden egg

A much higher view to find some eggs!

Good form for the football throw

A bit different form than his brother's



Grandma Shu helping Cooper dye eggs

 

A Little Busy

We've been pretty busy around these parts again!  Between preschool, Kindermusik, playgroup, MOPS, drop-in daycare days, teaching Sunday school and keeping an extra little guy on Thursdays, it is getting to that overwhelming time of year.  That time of year when I know everything is getting closer to an end, but that end still seems a little ways off!  And my boys aren't even in elementary school yet!

It's the time of year when I look at all the commitments I have made throughout the school year and start trying to figure out which ones I want to keep, which ones I need to cut back on, and which ones I need to step back from all together.  I don't feel as though I'm being the best mom I can be when I find myself rushing the boys out the door each morning, onto the next event that is meant to socialize them when all they really want to do is stay and play with their cars!  This is something at which I need to be better. Luckily, our schedule usually calls for Wednesdays and Fridays to be "PJ days" where I allow the boys to stay in their pajamas until lunch (or maybe later) and we spend the morning hanging around the house, spending time together without the usual hurry of other mornings.

Making homemade vanilla ice cream in a bag

And because I sometimes feel as though my time to my other commitments takes over the time for my family, I've been having to make a conscience effort to find ways to involve them in everyday activities that I would usually just do to get done! Cooper, for example, LOVES helping me put clothes over into the dryer.  Would it be MUCH faster for me to do it on my own...yes!  Does he feel a complete sense of accomplishment helping me put one sock at a time in...you bet! And while I usually find myself trying to hurry him along so I can move onto cleaning the bathroom, I should be savoring the one-on-one time with him as I know one day, I'll be washing his stinky socks alone!

One of the commitments I have tried to keep with which keeps getting pushed back is my quiet, alone time in the morning to read my Bible and spend some much needed time in prayer. I am no longer the morning person I was when I was teaching and getting up at 5am. Now those extra minutes in bed in the morning are much coveted ones of quiet and sleep.  However, the days in which I do get up and have this time seem to be the better ones.  They are the ones where I don't get as frustrated when I am filling a sippy cup for the fourth time, or when a glass of spilled milk is definitely not something to be cried over...just cleaned up!

So I guess all of this is just to say that I realize I need to reprioritize and I hope that by putting it down in words, someone will help keep me accountable!

 

Preparing for Christmas

Wow!  Apparently we've been a bit busy since Thanksgiving!  One could argue that preparing for such a special holiday takes a lot of time, thoughtfulness and self-reflection. I wish I could say that is why we have been too busy to write.  I feel as though this year we have done a better job at remembering the real reason for this season and I hope to continue to be more intentional about this. 

Ben has definitely realized what Christmas is supposed to be about this year.  Much of this is due to being in Sunday school and a very Christian-based preschool a few days a week. They do an awesome job of bringing Jesus to the center of all things and because of this, Ben and I have had some great conversations . . . some that not many 4-year olds would be prepared for! What a blessing to have my little man know all about God and Jesus and how much we are loved by our Heavenly Father!

Sunday School program

And while Christmas is not all about the tree, presents and Santa, it sure is fun to see the excitement in Cooper's eyes anytime our tree lights turn on and the room is aglow with those tiny white lights!  This year will be so much fun with him and I'm so blessed to get to see the magic of Christmastime unfold through his eyes!



Helping Mom make sugar cookies!

And while last year we did not have our "White Christmas" it is looking like the snow that is here is here to stay for awhile. . . especially with our single-digit temperatures for the next few days! We were able to get out in it last week before the wind chill dropped too much!

Getting ready to gang up on Mom and throw some snowballs

We also realize that the "controversy" of Santa is one that many parents deal with.  To us, Santa is the physical reminder of all the magic of Christmas.  Waiting in line to see Santa helps build the fun anticipation that many of us remember as children and I don't think I am any worse for the wear!  Leaving Christmas cookies and then racing down the next morning to see if they've been consumed is just a fun tradition (and a good way for Mom and Dad to have some guilt-free goodies!)

Most of all, Santa is there to help us remember that it is okay to be young and believe in things that we don't always see.  Sounds a little familiar eh?!  Jesus IS the real reason for the season and even though we can't see him, that doesn't mean we don't believe!!! And while the magic of Santa Claus will one day be gone, our Saviour is always with us; and that is one thing we hope our children do not leave behind!



MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Bartletts





Easter Weekend

What a wonderful weekend we had!  It started Saturday morning with a small-town Easter celebration where we heard the story of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins (something we are working on getting Ben to better understand this year) and continued onto the park for a egg hunt.  Cooper was quick to pick up on what he was supposed to do and it was so fun to watch!  Sunday we attended one of the best Easter services I can remember in a long time at our amazing church and then spent most of the rest of the day outside enjoying the glorious weather!
But the impact of the weekend did not escape me as I looked at my two beautiful boys playing, laughing and just enjoying life.  Could I do what God did?!  Sacrifice either of my children so that everyone else in the world who believe in Him might be saved?  What kind of unconditional love must that take. . . what grace has been given to us. . . how undeserving are we?!  But that's the point.  We are undeserving of this grace yet it has still be given to us.  Praise God for loving us so much that he would do this for us . . . He is truly our Heavenly Father who loves us to no end - Praise God!!!
 

I thank God every day for these two little blessings!  Happy Easter season!