(written August 28, 2013 but may not publish for awhile)
Miscarriage. It's a word that I have heard much too often in my circle of friends. It's very rare to get a group of mommy friends together and not have someone who has experienced this terrible loss at least one time during their life. Some have happened very early on; others have happened quite a bit further into their pregnancy. In any situation, there is a loss there that no one can understand until they go through it.
So many of my friends have experienced this loss and all I have been able to do is be there to listen. To be a shoulder to cry on, to lend a listening ear, to bring a meal when they just didn't have the strength to cook that night. And while I've tried my hardest to be a good friend during these times, the sympathy that I have felt for these friends could never quite do their feelings justice. I was never able to clearly understand what they were going through...until now.
You see, we lost our own little one last week. We had a regular scheduled appointment with our doctor a few weeks ago. Going into that appointment I have to admit that something just didn't feel right. I don't mean that I didn't feel pregnant or anything (I had all the wonderful mommy-to-be symptoms just fine!) but my woman's intuition was just telling me to be prepared for something beyond my control and I had never had that with my boys. I was not even shocked when the ultrasound tech could not find the heartbeat...sad, but not surprised.
I was well educated on how many pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was well aware that we were fortunate to have had two healthy pregnancies and births already. The odds were not necessarily in our favor. But I was also aware (and hopeful) of how perfectly this new baby was going to fit into our family. He/She was due in early March, well before Matt's busy season was to start. We had been hopeful for several months before that to get pregnant and this was kind of our last attempt for awhile as "busy season" is NOT a good time to have a baby. My best friend here in Iowa had also just had a baby a few months before and we were thrilled that our third babies would be just as close as our two sets of older boys were! The timing was PERFECT!!!
That is, MY timing seemed perfect. My earthly, planning-is-my-middle-name, need a timeline and schedule-hungry personality thought this timing was perfect. God had other plans. He looked at what we thought to be perfect for us and reminded us that He always knows better. What is crazy to think is that He knows not only if we will have another baby someday, but He knows exactly when, where, and why that baby will be perfect for our family. He also already knows how many breaths that baby will take here on earth, what he/she will do with their life and who they will marry.
And while this has still been very hard to accept emotionally, I know He will help us through it. How do I know this? He spoke to me the morning I knew we would lose our baby. I have been reading Jesus Calling on a (pretty) regular basis and the entry the morning of August 23 started like this:
"Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands."
How could I not hear the voice of God through that? He was letting me know that it was okay to grieve but also okay to let go because our baby was in His safe hands. Hands that will love him/her just as much, if not more than their earthly parents.
So while I know I have friends that have gone through the same loss as this and have felt the sadness that I am feeling now, I can only pray that they feel the loving arms of God around them as well and know that our babies are well-taken care of by the most loving Father that we have ever known!
